9/22/08

I can't always come up with interesting blog titles - so the date it is unless something else should strike my fancy. Today was an ok day. No breakfast, smoothie for lunch, whole wheat pasta and pesto for dinner. I went grocery shopping after work so I'll have breakfast from now on and be able to pack my lunch - saving money is one of our goals right now too.

No wonder I feel tired...losing weight, saving money, and trying to have a baby are all tiring!! Speaking of the latter, Steve told him mom and she is so excited! Of course, she urges us to tell his sister right away before she finds out through the grapevine. Steve tried calling her tonight, but could only leave a voicemail to call him back. I have a gyn appointment next Tuesday. I'm going to meet with her first, then go from there. She has excellent reviews. And she mentions infertility on her website. Considering my previous gyn is the one who diagnosed my PCOS after 4 years of the run-around, I trust that particular profession rather well.

We are having fun dog-sitting. And my mom took baby kitty Harley to the vet and he is a-ok! A worm issue, but that should quickly resolve. Here are some pictures:

Candy - such a good girl!

...and baby kitty Harley!

Well, tomorrow's another day...

Isn't that always my excuse? Today I had a [low fat] chocolate milk from a gas station on the way to my mother's house. I was feeling really light-headed (albiet from not eating all morning) and needed sugar/substance NOW. Then, my mom ordered Quizno's subs for us. So blah. There it is - what is supposed to be my BIG change start! Lowsy....but like I said - tomorrow is another day!

We brought Candy home to watch her while my mom nurses the little kitty they found back to health. They named him Harley and now I'm trying to convince Steve that we should take him - of course, once my mom has had his shots and medical evaluation done. :) So now I get the company of Candy - yay!

I'm listening to Steve talk to his mom right now. He's going to tell her that we are TTC. I'm nervous that she is going to think I talked him into it. Of course, he would not want to try for a baby until he was sure. My mom was so excited when I told her. She said she got an instant stomach ache from anxiety as soon as I told her. Lol. But she is so excited! My dad was too, but he wishes they were in a better place financially. But you never know, it could take us a while and my dad may have a new job by then.

Tomorrow I need to get all my records sent to the new doctor (an RE) and make an appointment! Woohoo!!

BIG changes!

Well, of course deciding that we are ready to welcome a baby into our life is a HUGE change - one we are very excited about! But in order to do that and be happy about it, I need to change my habits. I know I have PCOS and it makes it hard to be healthy (aka look good in a bathing suit - a one piece would suffice), but I can't use that as an excuse. I've signed up with SparkPeople and hopefully that can help me with my goals. One of my short term goals is to write in a journal everyday. So here it is - my first entry.

Today has been a lousy day eating wise - we are making a grocery trip tomorrow. I'm about to do my walking. I bought a walk at home DVD so I don't have to sweat and look like an idiot to my neighbors. Not to mention it's hard to walk outside in Florida.

My parents found an adorable kitten on the side of the road last night. They named him Harley b/c his black on white fur looked like a goatee on his chin. Not to mention, they were kinda hoping Steve and I would take him off their hands and since Steve has wanted a Harley and all....I guess it made sense :) So we went to their house here and checked out the baby kitty and then we got a new Wii game. Tomorrow we are going to my parents main home b/c they are trying to sell it and want us to take anything we want decor wise. Like free shopping! Woohoo! My mother has great taste so I'm excited.

Ok - I'm going to go through this SparkPeople thing and try to figure it out some more and then do my walking.

290 pounds....hard to believe. But I have to start somewhere.

It's official!

We are officially trying to conceive!!! Steve is on board! We are so excited! I need to make a doctor's appointment to check up on my PCOS.

I'll keep things updated here for my records.

WOO HOO!!!

new start

Wow - it's been a month since I last posted. Craziness. Anyways, I'm claiming that I'm starting anew. Bear in mind that this is probably the trillionth time I've done that. But tonight I started Leslie Sansome's Walk at Home 1 mile. And let me tell you...one mile was tough. I am so out of shape it's disgusting. I felt awesome after the walk. So we'll see how I keep it up. Not pregnant and now I'm getting nervous about what is going on inside my body. So hopefully this exercise regime will help me with my PCOS au naturel. Watching the Olympics has been pretty inspiring. And it actually feels good when I move my muscles. That's how long they've been idle. It's sad.

Work is going good - I'm proud of what I have accomplished and look forward to recruiting my ass off in the next year.

Day by Day

Still no period - I'm sure I'm not pregnant, although I haven't tested since before the last post. Just back to my same ol' fucked up self. Who was I kidding thinking I could actually cycle like a normal woman? So I continue on until we are in a financial situation in which Steve is comfortable to have a baby. Then on to fertility treatments. Of course, I am hoping for a miracle before then.

But as long as there is nothing on the baby horizon, I am very happy just enjoying my marriage. I am so lucky and feel like we are truly giving our marriage a great start. I wish we could do more traveling, but we are very lucky to have what we do have. A wonderful home, loving families, great jobs, and amazing friends. So I'll be happy - day by day.

One facet

Like everybody, there are many different facets to "me". Which is why I hate when The Real World roommates struggle to "find themselves" and lead youth to believe that everyone in their early 20s must do so (while of course maintaining a lifestyle of drinking, fighting, and sleeping around). But I digress...

One facet of me is that I badly want to be a mother. I know, I know...I'm young, my life will be over once I have a baby, Steve and I will never be able to get these years back. Whatever. Nothing anybody can say will deter me from that dream. I live to be a mother - and while I love Steve and try to enjoy every day - I badly want to be a mother (have I said that already?). I feel like I'm just living, waiting for life to pass by until I can bring a child into this world. Steve wants kids too, but he is concerned about our finances. We own our own home, make around $90K a year combined, and have some debt incurred from our honeymoon and furnishing the house. But overall, we are in good shape. He knows that no one (well no one we know) is ever secure enough financially to have a child, so he is open to it. Emotionally, he is ready to be a dad but not yet excited about it. But we decided that I would go off birth control pills and we'd see what happens.

Oh no, no. Don't be fooled. Two months later I am not pregnant. Steve never thinks twice about it and to him we are just "letting God/nature take its course". Whatever happens happens. Not to me. I have PCOS - diagnosed when I was 18. Steve and I had been dating for about one year when I got the diagnosis. We both know we will most likely have fertility problems. But I'm not technically infertile so I've always been told to stay on bcp just in case! I know that sometimes a body takes a while to get back to normal once bcp are stopped. But my "normal" is anovulation and amenorrhea and I've heard that the first few months off bcp are usually the best time for PCOS patients to get pregnant. I was psyched when I got my period last month. Of course I would have rather been pregnant, but after a big fat negative pregnancy test, at least I felt like a woman for the first time in a long time. I actually got a period without being forced too - woohoo! And tomorrow I should be due for my second post-bcp period. So I tested today and sure enough - BFN. And I am crushed. But I can't talk to Steve about this because we aren't supposed to be actively "trying". And we aren't - but I am. And I feel guilty as hell about it. But I just want to be a mom so bad. I even make sure to time sex so that if I did miraculously ovulate on my own I would have a chance at getting pregnant. Deep down, Steve probably knows that I am wishing it would happen. But I'm scared that if I bring it out in the open he'll get nervous and want me back on bcp. Meanwhile, who knows what my ovaries are doing without the bcp & I need to see an endocrinologist. But what if he/she puts me back on the pill? And I don't talk to my mom about it because she is one of those "your life as you know it will never be the same/don't rush" types. I'm not rushing - I've wanted to be a mother forever!!!!!! I'm 24 - she was 23 when she had me. "Oh, but times have changed". Uh huh. But not the basic fundamental longings of a female in childbearing years. Our hormones may be more enhanced by the chicken we eat nowadays, but they still exist, and mine say "babbbbby!!!" So I'll just suffer silently while nobody understands. Ughhhhh....I am so fucked up.

It's been a while

Steve and I have been married for almost 7 months now. People often ask if things are different since our wedding day. It's funny, but I always seem to give different answers to this question. I guess it depends on the day. Yes, some things have changed. There is something greatly comforting about the legitimacy of marriage. I sometimes wonder how we went so long without being married! Of course, I know that our long courtship (what a strange, old-fashioned word for our obvious "living-in-sin" dating period) prepared us for a lot. We have seen each other during times of great happiness and of great sadness. We have grown to love each other's families so much that often the line of "his" family and "my" family has become distinctly blurred. We've gone through high school, college, and graduate school graduations. We've been hurt along the way and learned why couples utilize the ultimate defense mechanism - "us against the world". Most importantly, dating for 5 and 1/2 years before marrying taught us how to grow as individuals while still growing as a couple. And marriage is a huge change in both realms. We've learned that working at a relationship does not inherently mean that there is something wrong with it. Working at our relationship is what makes it fun, exciting, and ever-changing. I love my husband and that of course has not changed. But yes, life does change after marriage. I am truly no longer a child. My attic filled with my childhood memories that my mom most graciously moved over about one month after the "I do"s can attest to that. We received a high school graduation annoucement for Steve's younger cousin. We are adults living adult lives. I feel like my parents sometimes and it's just amazing to me that Steve and I are now at a point in our lives that resembles their lives together at some point.

As I sit here writing this blog, my husband of 7 months, significant other of 6 years, my soulmate for life is watching me with one eye and watching "The Deadliest Catch" with the other. I am so, so happy. Who knew love could feel so natural? Something that defines one's life?

Weekend Recap

Well...things came to a head after Steve and I left for Gainesville on Friday. Let's just say he was in quite a mood and I was done with getting my feelings hurt. It was storming so we got about 10 minutes into our trip and turned around. Forget it, we went Saturday morning instead. One less night with family, but I think it was for the better. On the way home it seemed as if Steve started to feel better because being at home for one more night enabled him to get some of his schoolwork done. We got home and I helped him with research. I would like to point out that I already have my MBA and it is very hard for me to accept his "whining" (my opinion of course) about the workload. (in my head I say, "It's a Master's degree!!! Of course there is work involved!!! What the hell do you think I was doing for a year?!?!?!"). Then I remind myself that I did not work while getting my MBA. Then I remember that I worked full time my last year of undergrad and he never had to work. Then I have to step back and remember that this is not a competition, this is a marriage. When one of us is down, the other has to step it up. Recently, Steve has been the one in a slump. But in the past (and inevitably in the future) it has been me. We love each other and must support each other. After a great Friday night, we left for Gainesville Saturday morning. We got to spend quality time with the triplets and our cousins. Then Steve's parents and sister came with our nephew and the world seemed perfect. Together with our loved ones, in love. So accepted by my in-laws. So, so happy.

Sunday was the Baptism of the triplets. Steve officially became their Godfather. I was beaming with pride. I am so, so lucky.

my life according to Google

This is my poor excuse for not being creative and actually writing my own blog. I'm tired and I think I'm getting sick. I know, I know...boo hoo to me.

"my life according to Google": Type in the following and choose from the first page.

1: Type in "[your name] needs" in the Google: Jennifer needs to be in a mental health facility right now

2: Type in "[your name] looks like" in Google: Jennifer looks like a blue eyed sqirrell

3: Type in "[your name] hates" in Google: Jen hates beer

4: Type in "[your name] goes" or "..has gone" in Google: Jennifer goes in this hottub in her orange dress

5: Type in "[your name] loves" in Google: Jennifer Loves To Hate The Tabloids

6: Type in "[your name] eats" in Google: Jennifer ate a sandwich with mayo, peanut butter, mustard, bbq sauce, nutella, and everything else

7: Type in "[your name] has" in Google: Jennifer has photographed more than 1500 pregnant women and families

8: Type in "[your name] works" in Google: Jennifer Works It

9: Type in"[your name] lives" in Google: Jennifer lives as part of a four-person Polyamory, or group marriage

10: Type in "[your name] died" in Google: Jennifer died of cardio myopathy brought on by the viral pneumonia

11: Type in "[your name] will" in Google: Jennifer will be making an 'unofficial' apperance as Princess Cassima


Number 10 was "not cool" as my friend Annemarie said. I know how to spell squirrel. 1, 3 & 8 are totally true. 9 cracks me up.

The End [of the most boring, uncreative blog ever.]

This and that

The admin assistant in our office is on vacation so it is very quiet at work until June 9th. Which is ok for a change - we were soooo busy with spring graduation/summer classes beginning. But the quietness only leaves time for my mind to wander and become more ambitious. Which is good, but frustrating because I have to tame myself and realize the reality of the situation. Oh well. When I walked into my office this morning (15 minutes early! woo hoo!) I actually thought to myself "I am so lucky to have this job". It was a great feeling. Yes, there are issues and problems and difficulties. But there are also opportunities and freedom and acceptance of my learning curve. I'm only 6 months into working full time and have a lot to learn. Luckily, myself and my boss understand that.

On a different note, with Steve (that's Hubby) busy with his MBA work I am going to a girls night out tomorrow night. I'm really excited! It kinda stinks that I have to travel about 45 minutes to see my old college friends, but I love to hang out with them. We are going to get our nails done and then going to see Sex and the City. I was never a huge fan of the show because I never had HBO, but I've def grown to love the episodes I did see. I get to see Jenn and show off my ring to all the other girls there. I know, it is pretty dang sad that after being engaged for 1 year and married for 6 months I'm still showing my ring off. It's not that it was a million dollar Tiffany ring, but it is gorgeous, worth plenty of money, and shiny. :)

Triple the Love!

It's been about 12 hours since I said goodbye and I'm already counting down to the next visit! They are growing up so fast - and as much as I am so thrilled to see them growing big and strong, I just love the stage they are at now! But I remember when our nephew, Nick, was a baby I was always so convinced that every time I saw him he was at the cutest stage. It is so amazing to watch a life grow. Each of the triplets have their own personality, their own cry, their own place in this world. I can't wait to see who they become. Here's my favorite picture from this weekend.


Matthew sleeping, Luke wanting all the attention, and John just as happy as can be. John has a crooked smile like Hubby - I just love it!

Here is the crooked smile in action at the Rum Barrel in Key West. This was taken during one of our wedding planning trips. It's been almost 6 months since we married and I feel more blessed every day. Like now - I'm sitting on the couch while he is snoring on the loveseat. I just want to cry looking at him cuz he is so cute and I love him so much. How did I get so lucky?

Tomorrow is Memorial Day and we are going to my parents' house for dinner. Poor Hubby is nervous about getting his first MBA paper done. So we'll probably only stay for a couple hours. I wish we could see my parents and all of our family without having to use up gas. Sheesh - $3.83 a gallon we paid today. And that was one of the cheaper prices we saw.

Today is a good day

So far. It is amazing how Tuesday I had just about the worst day ever at work since I started full time six months ago. And today, it is a good day. It is no wonder so many people are diagnosed as bipolar. This morning I followed Hubby to the Ford dealership so he could drop his car off. He drives a convertible Mustang (his pre-children car I call it) and the little window in the back stopped retracting. Given his OCD tendencies, this drove him crazy. I was able to spend some time with him this morning and get to work a little late. Today is Friday, so I'm comfortable in my jeans. My hair looks cute. My boss just called and told me to take off at 3:00 since it is Memorial Day weekend and no one is on campus today. For some reason, classes were cancelled since it is the Friday before Memorial Day. I don't ever remembering that happening to me.

The best part of today? After I go home and pack - wait for it - we are going to visit the triplets!!! [note the three explanation points] Matthew, Luke and John are about 4 months old and are just dying to see me. Their mommy told me so. Just look at these faces.



How can I not be having a good day?! Only 4 working hours and 2.5 travelling hours and I get to SNUGGLE!!! Can you tell I have a severe case of baby rabies?

Hola

Well, I have an irrational urge to type things out. Really, I think I'm just bored with the Internet to the point that I have to create something new. I already spend way too much time on the computer. Which would partially explain my overweight-ness. The root of the problem is that I'm lazy. And gaining weight just makes me more lazy. It is a vicious cycle, really. I could explain all the excuses I have for being fat, but that would just relieve me (and my laziness) of the blame. And today I REALLY feel fat. Pooey. In addition, I REALLY want to eat the dark chocolate covered pretzels that Hubby brought home from his trip to Cincinnatti. Again, pooey. Hubby is in class, I am home alone and I think I'm going to turn off the computer (gasp!) and T.V. (gasssp!) and start reading Love the One You're With by Emily Giffin.