Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Day by Day

Still no period - I'm sure I'm not pregnant, although I haven't tested since before the last post. Just back to my same ol' fucked up self. Who was I kidding thinking I could actually cycle like a normal woman? So I continue on until we are in a financial situation in which Steve is comfortable to have a baby. Then on to fertility treatments. Of course, I am hoping for a miracle before then.

But as long as there is nothing on the baby horizon, I am very happy just enjoying my marriage. I am so lucky and feel like we are truly giving our marriage a great start. I wish we could do more traveling, but we are very lucky to have what we do have. A wonderful home, loving families, great jobs, and amazing friends. So I'll be happy - day by day.

Monday, July 7, 2008

One facet

Like everybody, there are many different facets to "me". Which is why I hate when The Real World roommates struggle to "find themselves" and lead youth to believe that everyone in their early 20s must do so (while of course maintaining a lifestyle of drinking, fighting, and sleeping around). But I digress...

One facet of me is that I badly want to be a mother. I know, I know...I'm young, my life will be over once I have a baby, Steve and I will never be able to get these years back. Whatever. Nothing anybody can say will deter me from that dream. I live to be a mother - and while I love Steve and try to enjoy every day - I badly want to be a mother (have I said that already?). I feel like I'm just living, waiting for life to pass by until I can bring a child into this world. Steve wants kids too, but he is concerned about our finances. We own our own home, make around $90K a year combined, and have some debt incurred from our honeymoon and furnishing the house. But overall, we are in good shape. He knows that no one (well no one we know) is ever secure enough financially to have a child, so he is open to it. Emotionally, he is ready to be a dad but not yet excited about it. But we decided that I would go off birth control pills and we'd see what happens.

Oh no, no. Don't be fooled. Two months later I am not pregnant. Steve never thinks twice about it and to him we are just "letting God/nature take its course". Whatever happens happens. Not to me. I have PCOS - diagnosed when I was 18. Steve and I had been dating for about one year when I got the diagnosis. We both know we will most likely have fertility problems. But I'm not technically infertile so I've always been told to stay on bcp just in case! I know that sometimes a body takes a while to get back to normal once bcp are stopped. But my "normal" is anovulation and amenorrhea and I've heard that the first few months off bcp are usually the best time for PCOS patients to get pregnant. I was psyched when I got my period last month. Of course I would have rather been pregnant, but after a big fat negative pregnancy test, at least I felt like a woman for the first time in a long time. I actually got a period without being forced too - woohoo! And tomorrow I should be due for my second post-bcp period. So I tested today and sure enough - BFN. And I am crushed. But I can't talk to Steve about this because we aren't supposed to be actively "trying". And we aren't - but I am. And I feel guilty as hell about it. But I just want to be a mom so bad. I even make sure to time sex so that if I did miraculously ovulate on my own I would have a chance at getting pregnant. Deep down, Steve probably knows that I am wishing it would happen. But I'm scared that if I bring it out in the open he'll get nervous and want me back on bcp. Meanwhile, who knows what my ovaries are doing without the bcp & I need to see an endocrinologist. But what if he/she puts me back on the pill? And I don't talk to my mom about it because she is one of those "your life as you know it will never be the same/don't rush" types. I'm not rushing - I've wanted to be a mother forever!!!!!! I'm 24 - she was 23 when she had me. "Oh, but times have changed". Uh huh. But not the basic fundamental longings of a female in childbearing years. Our hormones may be more enhanced by the chicken we eat nowadays, but they still exist, and mine say "babbbbby!!!" So I'll just suffer silently while nobody understands. Ughhhhh....I am so fucked up.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

It's been a while

Steve and I have been married for almost 7 months now. People often ask if things are different since our wedding day. It's funny, but I always seem to give different answers to this question. I guess it depends on the day. Yes, some things have changed. There is something greatly comforting about the legitimacy of marriage. I sometimes wonder how we went so long without being married! Of course, I know that our long courtship (what a strange, old-fashioned word for our obvious "living-in-sin" dating period) prepared us for a lot. We have seen each other during times of great happiness and of great sadness. We have grown to love each other's families so much that often the line of "his" family and "my" family has become distinctly blurred. We've gone through high school, college, and graduate school graduations. We've been hurt along the way and learned why couples utilize the ultimate defense mechanism - "us against the world". Most importantly, dating for 5 and 1/2 years before marrying taught us how to grow as individuals while still growing as a couple. And marriage is a huge change in both realms. We've learned that working at a relationship does not inherently mean that there is something wrong with it. Working at our relationship is what makes it fun, exciting, and ever-changing. I love my husband and that of course has not changed. But yes, life does change after marriage. I am truly no longer a child. My attic filled with my childhood memories that my mom most graciously moved over about one month after the "I do"s can attest to that. We received a high school graduation annoucement for Steve's younger cousin. We are adults living adult lives. I feel like my parents sometimes and it's just amazing to me that Steve and I are now at a point in our lives that resembles their lives together at some point.

As I sit here writing this blog, my husband of 7 months, significant other of 6 years, my soulmate for life is watching me with one eye and watching "The Deadliest Catch" with the other. I am so, so happy. Who knew love could feel so natural? Something that defines one's life?