Wow - it's been a month since I last posted. Craziness. Anyways, I'm claiming that I'm starting anew. Bear in mind that this is probably the trillionth time I've done that. But tonight I started Leslie Sansome's Walk at Home 1 mile. And let me tell you...one mile was tough. I am so out of shape it's disgusting. I felt awesome after the walk. So we'll see how I keep it up. Not pregnant and now I'm getting nervous about what is going on inside my body. So hopefully this exercise regime will help me with my PCOS au naturel. Watching the Olympics has been pretty inspiring. And it actually feels good when I move my muscles. That's how long they've been idle. It's sad.
Work is going good - I'm proud of what I have accomplished and look forward to recruiting my ass off in the next year.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Day by Day
Still no period - I'm sure I'm not pregnant, although I haven't tested since before the last post. Just back to my same ol' fucked up self. Who was I kidding thinking I could actually cycle like a normal woman? So I continue on until we are in a financial situation in which Steve is comfortable to have a baby. Then on to fertility treatments. Of course, I am hoping for a miracle before then.
But as long as there is nothing on the baby horizon, I am very happy just enjoying my marriage. I am so lucky and feel like we are truly giving our marriage a great start. I wish we could do more traveling, but we are very lucky to have what we do have. A wonderful home, loving families, great jobs, and amazing friends. So I'll be happy - day by day.
But as long as there is nothing on the baby horizon, I am very happy just enjoying my marriage. I am so lucky and feel like we are truly giving our marriage a great start. I wish we could do more traveling, but we are very lucky to have what we do have. A wonderful home, loving families, great jobs, and amazing friends. So I'll be happy - day by day.
Monday, July 7, 2008
One facet
Like everybody, there are many different facets to "me". Which is why I hate when The Real World roommates struggle to "find themselves" and lead youth to believe that everyone in their early 20s must do so (while of course maintaining a lifestyle of drinking, fighting, and sleeping around). But I digress...
One facet of me is that I badly want to be a mother. I know, I know...I'm young, my life will be over once I have a baby, Steve and I will never be able to get these years back. Whatever. Nothing anybody can say will deter me from that dream. I live to be a mother - and while I love Steve and try to enjoy every day - I badly want to be a mother (have I said that already?). I feel like I'm just living, waiting for life to pass by until I can bring a child into this world. Steve wants kids too, but he is concerned about our finances. We own our own home, make around $90K a year combined, and have some debt incurred from our honeymoon and furnishing the house. But overall, we are in good shape. He knows that no one (well no one we know) is ever secure enough financially to have a child, so he is open to it. Emotionally, he is ready to be a dad but not yet excited about it. But we decided that I would go off birth control pills and we'd see what happens.
Oh no, no. Don't be fooled. Two months later I am not pregnant. Steve never thinks twice about it and to him we are just "letting God/nature take its course". Whatever happens happens. Not to me. I have PCOS - diagnosed when I was 18. Steve and I had been dating for about one year when I got the diagnosis. We both know we will most likely have fertility problems. But I'm not technically infertile so I've always been told to stay on bcp just in case! I know that sometimes a body takes a while to get back to normal once bcp are stopped. But my "normal" is anovulation and amenorrhea and I've heard that the first few months off bcp are usually the best time for PCOS patients to get pregnant. I was psyched when I got my period last month. Of course I would have rather been pregnant, but after a big fat negative pregnancy test, at least I felt like a woman for the first time in a long time. I actually got a period without being forced too - woohoo! And tomorrow I should be due for my second post-bcp period. So I tested today and sure enough - BFN. And I am crushed. But I can't talk to Steve about this because we aren't supposed to be actively "trying". And we aren't - but I am. And I feel guilty as hell about it. But I just want to be a mom so bad. I even make sure to time sex so that if I did miraculously ovulate on my own I would have a chance at getting pregnant. Deep down, Steve probably knows that I am wishing it would happen. But I'm scared that if I bring it out in the open he'll get nervous and want me back on bcp. Meanwhile, who knows what my ovaries are doing without the bcp & I need to see an endocrinologist. But what if he/she puts me back on the pill? And I don't talk to my mom about it because she is one of those "your life as you know it will never be the same/don't rush" types. I'm not rushing - I've wanted to be a mother forever!!!!!! I'm 24 - she was 23 when she had me. "Oh, but times have changed". Uh huh. But not the basic fundamental longings of a female in childbearing years. Our hormones may be more enhanced by the chicken we eat nowadays, but they still exist, and mine say "babbbbby!!!" So I'll just suffer silently while nobody understands. Ughhhhh....I am so fucked up.
One facet of me is that I badly want to be a mother. I know, I know...I'm young, my life will be over once I have a baby, Steve and I will never be able to get these years back. Whatever. Nothing anybody can say will deter me from that dream. I live to be a mother - and while I love Steve and try to enjoy every day - I badly want to be a mother (have I said that already?). I feel like I'm just living, waiting for life to pass by until I can bring a child into this world. Steve wants kids too, but he is concerned about our finances. We own our own home, make around $90K a year combined, and have some debt incurred from our honeymoon and furnishing the house. But overall, we are in good shape. He knows that no one (well no one we know) is ever secure enough financially to have a child, so he is open to it. Emotionally, he is ready to be a dad but not yet excited about it. But we decided that I would go off birth control pills and we'd see what happens.
Oh no, no. Don't be fooled. Two months later I am not pregnant. Steve never thinks twice about it and to him we are just "letting God/nature take its course". Whatever happens happens. Not to me. I have PCOS - diagnosed when I was 18. Steve and I had been dating for about one year when I got the diagnosis. We both know we will most likely have fertility problems. But I'm not technically infertile so I've always been told to stay on bcp just in case! I know that sometimes a body takes a while to get back to normal once bcp are stopped. But my "normal" is anovulation and amenorrhea and I've heard that the first few months off bcp are usually the best time for PCOS patients to get pregnant. I was psyched when I got my period last month. Of course I would have rather been pregnant, but after a big fat negative pregnancy test, at least I felt like a woman for the first time in a long time. I actually got a period without being forced too - woohoo! And tomorrow I should be due for my second post-bcp period. So I tested today and sure enough - BFN. And I am crushed. But I can't talk to Steve about this because we aren't supposed to be actively "trying". And we aren't - but I am. And I feel guilty as hell about it. But I just want to be a mom so bad. I even make sure to time sex so that if I did miraculously ovulate on my own I would have a chance at getting pregnant. Deep down, Steve probably knows that I am wishing it would happen. But I'm scared that if I bring it out in the open he'll get nervous and want me back on bcp. Meanwhile, who knows what my ovaries are doing without the bcp & I need to see an endocrinologist. But what if he/she puts me back on the pill? And I don't talk to my mom about it because she is one of those "your life as you know it will never be the same/don't rush" types. I'm not rushing - I've wanted to be a mother forever!!!!!! I'm 24 - she was 23 when she had me. "Oh, but times have changed". Uh huh. But not the basic fundamental longings of a female in childbearing years. Our hormones may be more enhanced by the chicken we eat nowadays, but they still exist, and mine say "babbbbby!!!" So I'll just suffer silently while nobody understands. Ughhhhh....I am so fucked up.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
It's been a while
Steve and I have been married for almost 7 months now. People often ask if things are different since our wedding day. It's funny, but I always seem to give different answers to this question. I guess it depends on the day. Yes, some things have changed. There is something greatly comforting about the legitimacy of marriage. I sometimes wonder how we went so long without being married! Of course, I know that our long courtship (what a strange, old-fashioned word for our obvious "living-in-sin" dating period) prepared us for a lot. We have seen each other during times of great happiness and of great sadness. We have grown to love each other's families so much that often the line of "his" family and "my" family has become distinctly blurred. We've gone through high school, college, and graduate school graduations. We've been hurt along the way and learned why couples utilize the ultimate defense mechanism - "us against the world". Most importantly, dating for 5 and 1/2 years before marrying taught us how to grow as individuals while still growing as a couple. And marriage is a huge change in both realms. We've learned that working at a relationship does not inherently mean that there is something wrong with it. Working at our relationship is what makes it fun, exciting, and ever-changing. I love my husband and that of course has not changed. But yes, life does change after marriage. I am truly no longer a child. My attic filled with my childhood memories that my mom most graciously moved over about one month after the "I do"s can attest to that. We received a high school graduation annoucement for Steve's younger cousin. We are adults living adult lives. I feel like my parents sometimes and it's just amazing to me that Steve and I are now at a point in our lives that resembles their lives together at some point.
As I sit here writing this blog, my husband of 7 months, significant other of 6 years, my soulmate for life is watching me with one eye and watching "The Deadliest Catch" with the other. I am so, so happy. Who knew love could feel so natural? Something that defines one's life?
As I sit here writing this blog, my husband of 7 months, significant other of 6 years, my soulmate for life is watching me with one eye and watching "The Deadliest Catch" with the other. I am so, so happy. Who knew love could feel so natural? Something that defines one's life?
Monday, June 23, 2008
Weekend Recap
Well...things came to a head after Steve and I left for Gainesville on Friday. Let's just say he was in quite a mood and I was done with getting my feelings hurt. It was storming so we got about 10 minutes into our trip and turned around. Forget it, we went Saturday morning instead. One less night with family, but I think it was for the better. On the way home it seemed as if Steve started to feel better because being at home for one more night enabled him to get some of his schoolwork done. We got home and I helped him with research. I would like to point out that I already have my MBA and it is very hard for me to accept his "whining" (my opinion of course) about the workload. (in my head I say, "It's a Master's degree!!! Of course there is work involved!!! What the hell do you think I was doing for a year?!?!?!"). Then I remind myself that I did not work while getting my MBA. Then I remember that I worked full time my last year of undergrad and he never had to work. Then I have to step back and remember that this is not a competition, this is a marriage. When one of us is down, the other has to step it up. Recently, Steve has been the one in a slump. But in the past (and inevitably in the future) it has been me. We love each other and must support each other. After a great Friday night, we left for Gainesville Saturday morning. We got to spend quality time with the triplets and our cousins. Then Steve's parents and sister came with our nephew and the world seemed perfect. Together with our loved ones, in love. So accepted by my in-laws. So, so happy.
Sunday was the Baptism of the triplets. Steve officially became their Godfather. I was beaming with pride. I am so, so lucky.
Sunday was the Baptism of the triplets. Steve officially became their Godfather. I was beaming with pride. I am so, so lucky.
Friday, June 6, 2008
my life according to Google
This is my poor excuse for not being creative and actually writing my own blog. I'm tired and I think I'm getting sick. I know, I know...boo hoo to me.
"my life according to Google": Type in the following and choose from the first page.
1: Type in "[your name] needs" in the Google: Jennifer needs to be in a mental health facility right now
2: Type in "[your name] looks like" in Google: Jennifer looks like a blue eyed sqirrell
3: Type in "[your name] hates" in Google: Jen hates beer
4: Type in "[your name] goes" or "..has gone" in Google: Jennifer goes in this hottub in her orange dress
5: Type in "[your name] loves" in Google: Jennifer Loves To Hate The Tabloids
6: Type in "[your name] eats" in Google: Jennifer ate a sandwich with mayo, peanut butter, mustard, bbq sauce, nutella, and everything else
7: Type in "[your name] has" in Google: Jennifer has photographed more than 1500 pregnant women and families
8: Type in "[your name] works" in Google: Jennifer Works It
9: Type in"[your name] lives" in Google: Jennifer lives as part of a four-person Polyamory, or group marriage
10: Type in "[your name] died" in Google: Jennifer died of cardio myopathy brought on by the viral pneumonia
11: Type in "[your name] will" in Google: Jennifer will be making an 'unofficial' apperance as Princess Cassima
Number 10 was "not cool" as my friend Annemarie said. I know how to spell squirrel. 1, 3 & 8 are totally true. 9 cracks me up.
The End [of the most boring, uncreative blog ever.]
"my life according to Google": Type in the following and choose from the first page.
1: Type in "[your name] needs" in the Google: Jennifer needs to be in a mental health facility right now
2: Type in "[your name] looks like" in Google: Jennifer looks like a blue eyed sqirrell
3: Type in "[your name] hates" in Google: Jen hates beer
4: Type in "[your name] goes" or "..has gone" in Google: Jennifer goes in this hottub in her orange dress
5: Type in "[your name] loves" in Google: Jennifer Loves To Hate The Tabloids
6: Type in "[your name] eats" in Google: Jennifer ate a sandwich with mayo, peanut butter, mustard, bbq sauce, nutella, and everything else
7: Type in "[your name] has" in Google: Jennifer has photographed more than 1500 pregnant women and families
8: Type in "[your name] works" in Google: Jennifer Works It
9: Type in"[your name] lives" in Google: Jennifer lives as part of a four-person Polyamory, or group marriage
10: Type in "[your name] died" in Google: Jennifer died of cardio myopathy brought on by the viral pneumonia
11: Type in "[your name] will" in Google: Jennifer will be making an 'unofficial' apperance as Princess Cassima
Number 10 was "not cool" as my friend Annemarie said. I know how to spell squirrel. 1, 3 & 8 are totally true. 9 cracks me up.
The End [of the most boring, uncreative blog ever.]
Thursday, May 29, 2008
This and that
The admin assistant in our office is on vacation so it is very quiet at work until June 9th. Which is ok for a change - we were soooo busy with spring graduation/summer classes beginning. But the quietness only leaves time for my mind to wander and become more ambitious. Which is good, but frustrating because I have to tame myself and realize the reality of the situation. Oh well. When I walked into my office this morning (15 minutes early! woo hoo!) I actually thought to myself "I am so lucky to have this job". It was a great feeling. Yes, there are issues and problems and difficulties. But there are also opportunities and freedom and acceptance of my learning curve. I'm only 6 months into working full time and have a lot to learn. Luckily, myself and my boss understand that.
On a different note, with Steve (that's Hubby) busy with his MBA work I am going to a girls night out tomorrow night. I'm really excited! It kinda stinks that I have to travel about 45 minutes to see my old college friends, but I love to hang out with them. We are going to get our nails done and then going to see Sex and the City. I was never a huge fan of the show because I never had HBO, but I've def grown to love the episodes I did see. I get to see Jenn and show off my ring to all the other girls there. I know, it is pretty dang sad that after being engaged for 1 year and married for 6 months I'm still showing my ring off. It's not that it was a million dollar Tiffany ring, but it is gorgeous, worth plenty of money, and shiny. :)
On a different note, with Steve (that's Hubby) busy with his MBA work I am going to a girls night out tomorrow night. I'm really excited! It kinda stinks that I have to travel about 45 minutes to see my old college friends, but I love to hang out with them. We are going to get our nails done and then going to see Sex and the City. I was never a huge fan of the show because I never had HBO, but I've def grown to love the episodes I did see. I get to see Jenn and show off my ring to all the other girls there. I know, it is pretty dang sad that after being engaged for 1 year and married for 6 months I'm still showing my ring off. It's not that it was a million dollar Tiffany ring, but it is gorgeous, worth plenty of money, and shiny. :)
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