Isn't that always my excuse? Today I had a [low fat] chocolate milk from a gas station on the way to my mother's house. I was feeling really light-headed (albiet from not eating all morning) and needed sugar/substance NOW. Then, my mom ordered Quizno's subs for us. So blah. There it is - what is supposed to be my BIG change start! Lowsy....but like I said - tomorrow is another day!
We brought Candy home to watch her while my mom nurses the little kitty they found back to health. They named him Harley and now I'm trying to convince Steve that we should take him - of course, once my mom has had his shots and medical evaluation done. :) So now I get the company of Candy - yay!
I'm listening to Steve talk to his mom right now. He's going to tell her that we are TTC. I'm nervous that she is going to think I talked him into it. Of course, he would not want to try for a baby until he was sure. My mom was so excited when I told her. She said she got an instant stomach ache from anxiety as soon as I told her. Lol. But she is so excited! My dad was too, but he wishes they were in a better place financially. But you never know, it could take us a while and my dad may have a new job by then.
Tomorrow I need to get all my records sent to the new doctor (an RE) and make an appointment! Woohoo!!
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Saturday, September 20, 2008
BIG changes!
Well, of course deciding that we are ready to welcome a baby into our life is a HUGE change - one we are very excited about! But in order to do that and be happy about it, I need to change my habits. I know I have PCOS and it makes it hard to be healthy (aka look good in a bathing suit - a one piece would suffice), but I can't use that as an excuse. I've signed up with SparkPeople and hopefully that can help me with my goals. One of my short term goals is to write in a journal everyday. So here it is - my first entry.
Today has been a lousy day eating wise - we are making a grocery trip tomorrow. I'm about to do my walking. I bought a walk at home DVD so I don't have to sweat and look like an idiot to my neighbors. Not to mention it's hard to walk outside in Florida.
My parents found an adorable kitten on the side of the road last night. They named him Harley b/c his black on white fur looked like a goatee on his chin. Not to mention, they were kinda hoping Steve and I would take him off their hands and since Steve has wanted a Harley and all....I guess it made sense :) So we went to their house here and checked out the baby kitty and then we got a new Wii game. Tomorrow we are going to my parents main home b/c they are trying to sell it and want us to take anything we want decor wise. Like free shopping! Woohoo! My mother has great taste so I'm excited.
Ok - I'm going to go through this SparkPeople thing and try to figure it out some more and then do my walking.
290 pounds....hard to believe. But I have to start somewhere.
Today has been a lousy day eating wise - we are making a grocery trip tomorrow. I'm about to do my walking. I bought a walk at home DVD so I don't have to sweat and look like an idiot to my neighbors. Not to mention it's hard to walk outside in Florida.
My parents found an adorable kitten on the side of the road last night. They named him Harley b/c his black on white fur looked like a goatee on his chin. Not to mention, they were kinda hoping Steve and I would take him off their hands and since Steve has wanted a Harley and all....I guess it made sense :) So we went to their house here and checked out the baby kitty and then we got a new Wii game. Tomorrow we are going to my parents main home b/c they are trying to sell it and want us to take anything we want decor wise. Like free shopping! Woohoo! My mother has great taste so I'm excited.
Ok - I'm going to go through this SparkPeople thing and try to figure it out some more and then do my walking.
290 pounds....hard to believe. But I have to start somewhere.
Monday, September 15, 2008
It's official!
We are officially trying to conceive!!! Steve is on board! We are so excited! I need to make a doctor's appointment to check up on my PCOS.
I'll keep things updated here for my records.
WOO HOO!!!
I'll keep things updated here for my records.
WOO HOO!!!
Sunday, August 17, 2008
new start
Wow - it's been a month since I last posted. Craziness. Anyways, I'm claiming that I'm starting anew. Bear in mind that this is probably the trillionth time I've done that. But tonight I started Leslie Sansome's Walk at Home 1 mile. And let me tell you...one mile was tough. I am so out of shape it's disgusting. I felt awesome after the walk. So we'll see how I keep it up. Not pregnant and now I'm getting nervous about what is going on inside my body. So hopefully this exercise regime will help me with my PCOS au naturel. Watching the Olympics has been pretty inspiring. And it actually feels good when I move my muscles. That's how long they've been idle. It's sad.
Work is going good - I'm proud of what I have accomplished and look forward to recruiting my ass off in the next year.
Work is going good - I'm proud of what I have accomplished and look forward to recruiting my ass off in the next year.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Day by Day
Still no period - I'm sure I'm not pregnant, although I haven't tested since before the last post. Just back to my same ol' fucked up self. Who was I kidding thinking I could actually cycle like a normal woman? So I continue on until we are in a financial situation in which Steve is comfortable to have a baby. Then on to fertility treatments. Of course, I am hoping for a miracle before then.
But as long as there is nothing on the baby horizon, I am very happy just enjoying my marriage. I am so lucky and feel like we are truly giving our marriage a great start. I wish we could do more traveling, but we are very lucky to have what we do have. A wonderful home, loving families, great jobs, and amazing friends. So I'll be happy - day by day.
But as long as there is nothing on the baby horizon, I am very happy just enjoying my marriage. I am so lucky and feel like we are truly giving our marriage a great start. I wish we could do more traveling, but we are very lucky to have what we do have. A wonderful home, loving families, great jobs, and amazing friends. So I'll be happy - day by day.
Monday, July 7, 2008
One facet
Like everybody, there are many different facets to "me". Which is why I hate when The Real World roommates struggle to "find themselves" and lead youth to believe that everyone in their early 20s must do so (while of course maintaining a lifestyle of drinking, fighting, and sleeping around). But I digress...
One facet of me is that I badly want to be a mother. I know, I know...I'm young, my life will be over once I have a baby, Steve and I will never be able to get these years back. Whatever. Nothing anybody can say will deter me from that dream. I live to be a mother - and while I love Steve and try to enjoy every day - I badly want to be a mother (have I said that already?). I feel like I'm just living, waiting for life to pass by until I can bring a child into this world. Steve wants kids too, but he is concerned about our finances. We own our own home, make around $90K a year combined, and have some debt incurred from our honeymoon and furnishing the house. But overall, we are in good shape. He knows that no one (well no one we know) is ever secure enough financially to have a child, so he is open to it. Emotionally, he is ready to be a dad but not yet excited about it. But we decided that I would go off birth control pills and we'd see what happens.
Oh no, no. Don't be fooled. Two months later I am not pregnant. Steve never thinks twice about it and to him we are just "letting God/nature take its course". Whatever happens happens. Not to me. I have PCOS - diagnosed when I was 18. Steve and I had been dating for about one year when I got the diagnosis. We both know we will most likely have fertility problems. But I'm not technically infertile so I've always been told to stay on bcp just in case! I know that sometimes a body takes a while to get back to normal once bcp are stopped. But my "normal" is anovulation and amenorrhea and I've heard that the first few months off bcp are usually the best time for PCOS patients to get pregnant. I was psyched when I got my period last month. Of course I would have rather been pregnant, but after a big fat negative pregnancy test, at least I felt like a woman for the first time in a long time. I actually got a period without being forced too - woohoo! And tomorrow I should be due for my second post-bcp period. So I tested today and sure enough - BFN. And I am crushed. But I can't talk to Steve about this because we aren't supposed to be actively "trying". And we aren't - but I am. And I feel guilty as hell about it. But I just want to be a mom so bad. I even make sure to time sex so that if I did miraculously ovulate on my own I would have a chance at getting pregnant. Deep down, Steve probably knows that I am wishing it would happen. But I'm scared that if I bring it out in the open he'll get nervous and want me back on bcp. Meanwhile, who knows what my ovaries are doing without the bcp & I need to see an endocrinologist. But what if he/she puts me back on the pill? And I don't talk to my mom about it because she is one of those "your life as you know it will never be the same/don't rush" types. I'm not rushing - I've wanted to be a mother forever!!!!!! I'm 24 - she was 23 when she had me. "Oh, but times have changed". Uh huh. But not the basic fundamental longings of a female in childbearing years. Our hormones may be more enhanced by the chicken we eat nowadays, but they still exist, and mine say "babbbbby!!!" So I'll just suffer silently while nobody understands. Ughhhhh....I am so fucked up.
One facet of me is that I badly want to be a mother. I know, I know...I'm young, my life will be over once I have a baby, Steve and I will never be able to get these years back. Whatever. Nothing anybody can say will deter me from that dream. I live to be a mother - and while I love Steve and try to enjoy every day - I badly want to be a mother (have I said that already?). I feel like I'm just living, waiting for life to pass by until I can bring a child into this world. Steve wants kids too, but he is concerned about our finances. We own our own home, make around $90K a year combined, and have some debt incurred from our honeymoon and furnishing the house. But overall, we are in good shape. He knows that no one (well no one we know) is ever secure enough financially to have a child, so he is open to it. Emotionally, he is ready to be a dad but not yet excited about it. But we decided that I would go off birth control pills and we'd see what happens.
Oh no, no. Don't be fooled. Two months later I am not pregnant. Steve never thinks twice about it and to him we are just "letting God/nature take its course". Whatever happens happens. Not to me. I have PCOS - diagnosed when I was 18. Steve and I had been dating for about one year when I got the diagnosis. We both know we will most likely have fertility problems. But I'm not technically infertile so I've always been told to stay on bcp just in case! I know that sometimes a body takes a while to get back to normal once bcp are stopped. But my "normal" is anovulation and amenorrhea and I've heard that the first few months off bcp are usually the best time for PCOS patients to get pregnant. I was psyched when I got my period last month. Of course I would have rather been pregnant, but after a big fat negative pregnancy test, at least I felt like a woman for the first time in a long time. I actually got a period without being forced too - woohoo! And tomorrow I should be due for my second post-bcp period. So I tested today and sure enough - BFN. And I am crushed. But I can't talk to Steve about this because we aren't supposed to be actively "trying". And we aren't - but I am. And I feel guilty as hell about it. But I just want to be a mom so bad. I even make sure to time sex so that if I did miraculously ovulate on my own I would have a chance at getting pregnant. Deep down, Steve probably knows that I am wishing it would happen. But I'm scared that if I bring it out in the open he'll get nervous and want me back on bcp. Meanwhile, who knows what my ovaries are doing without the bcp & I need to see an endocrinologist. But what if he/she puts me back on the pill? And I don't talk to my mom about it because she is one of those "your life as you know it will never be the same/don't rush" types. I'm not rushing - I've wanted to be a mother forever!!!!!! I'm 24 - she was 23 when she had me. "Oh, but times have changed". Uh huh. But not the basic fundamental longings of a female in childbearing years. Our hormones may be more enhanced by the chicken we eat nowadays, but they still exist, and mine say "babbbbby!!!" So I'll just suffer silently while nobody understands. Ughhhhh....I am so fucked up.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
It's been a while
Steve and I have been married for almost 7 months now. People often ask if things are different since our wedding day. It's funny, but I always seem to give different answers to this question. I guess it depends on the day. Yes, some things have changed. There is something greatly comforting about the legitimacy of marriage. I sometimes wonder how we went so long without being married! Of course, I know that our long courtship (what a strange, old-fashioned word for our obvious "living-in-sin" dating period) prepared us for a lot. We have seen each other during times of great happiness and of great sadness. We have grown to love each other's families so much that often the line of "his" family and "my" family has become distinctly blurred. We've gone through high school, college, and graduate school graduations. We've been hurt along the way and learned why couples utilize the ultimate defense mechanism - "us against the world". Most importantly, dating for 5 and 1/2 years before marrying taught us how to grow as individuals while still growing as a couple. And marriage is a huge change in both realms. We've learned that working at a relationship does not inherently mean that there is something wrong with it. Working at our relationship is what makes it fun, exciting, and ever-changing. I love my husband and that of course has not changed. But yes, life does change after marriage. I am truly no longer a child. My attic filled with my childhood memories that my mom most graciously moved over about one month after the "I do"s can attest to that. We received a high school graduation annoucement for Steve's younger cousin. We are adults living adult lives. I feel like my parents sometimes and it's just amazing to me that Steve and I are now at a point in our lives that resembles their lives together at some point.
As I sit here writing this blog, my husband of 7 months, significant other of 6 years, my soulmate for life is watching me with one eye and watching "The Deadliest Catch" with the other. I am so, so happy. Who knew love could feel so natural? Something that defines one's life?
As I sit here writing this blog, my husband of 7 months, significant other of 6 years, my soulmate for life is watching me with one eye and watching "The Deadliest Catch" with the other. I am so, so happy. Who knew love could feel so natural? Something that defines one's life?
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