Well, that would explain it...

TMI warning

Well, now I understand how it was physically possible not to lose weight this week. I got my period today. And I would just like to add that this is 28 days after my last period! OMG - is my body working normally??? Hopefully, these regular cycles will keep up - that will tremendously help us TTC. Even though I have awful cramps and a backache, I'm so grateful. Yahoo!

6 months

In some ways, I can't believe today marks 6 months since my surgery. In other ways, I feel like the time is dragging! Today was a big milestone - not only has it been 6 months since my surgery, but I've also hit the 100 lbs loss mark with a total loss of 100.3 lbs! I'll take it! I am very proud of my loss but I still have at least 60 lbs to go. I have to keep my eye on the prize and lately, I've been losing very slowly. (TMI alert) I actually got a period on my own, which is a huge deal for me! 4/5-4/11, which means I probably didn't lose weight that week. But I wouldn't know because I was too scared to weigh! Anyway, I've only been losing about 1 lb/week which is in the right direction but not as quickly as I'd like. At that pace, it would take me over a year longer to lose the rest of the weight - and I'm sure I wouldn't be able to maintain that because gradually I'll be able to eat a little more and take in more calories. The "honeymoon" period is already over and it only gets harder from here! This is when it kicks in that the surgery is only a tool. It enables me to make healthier choices and also got me to a size that is comfortable so I can exercise.

Part of the reason I think my weight loss has slowed is because of LIQUID CALORIES. BOOOO. See, I gave up artificial sweeteners but couldn't do plain water without getting nauseous. So I started flavoring my water with 100% fruit juice. Slowly, I went from 1/4 juice in my drink to 1/2 juice in my drink. Then, my hubs bought me a fantastic new tumbler - which I love - and it has encouraged me to drink more. Which is usually great! But, I'm just drinking more juice. About 1/2 a bottle a day. I calculated it today and it's 480 calories a day just in juice. That is ridiculous. Especially since most wls patients only take in 600-700 calories a day in the weight loss phase (as opposed to the maintenance phase). Sooooo...what's a girl to do? I hate to do this, but I think I'm going back to Crystal Light for now. I actually didn't notice a difference when I stopped using artificial sweeteners - no boost of energy or anything like that. Psychologically, I'm much happier not using them. But I can't sabotage my weight loss like this. There is a new Crystal Light called Pro Fitness or something like that and it uses real sugar to sweeten it - just a little. Unfortunately, it only comes in three flavors and they are very tart. I can't stand drinking tart things all day - it's like only drinking lemonade - it gets old very fast. So we'll see. I just know that I need to cut down on juice.

Tonight, Steve and I went to the gym at my work for the first time! I went 30 minutes on the treadmill at 3.0 speed. I'll work my way up, but I was maintaining a "weight loss" heart rate the majority of the time (except for warm-up and cool down). It feels great working out - I only hope I keep it up. I always go through these phases in life. I used to go through diet phases - I would have never kept up 6 months of healthy eating if it wasn't for the sleeve. If only there was a surgery that forced me to exercise!

I had my annual exam with my gynecologist last week. In addition to the usual unpleasantness, I spoke to him about my weight loss, PCOS bloodwork (need to get that done), and TTC. He said that he'll be curious to see how my body cycles once I'm under a BMI of 30 (I'm at 36.2 now). Me too! My next appointment with the bariatric surgeon is 4/27. I'm going to ask him about when he'll clear me for TTC - before surgery he said 12-18 months. I'd like to know when he'll give me to ok - do I have to be at a certain weight for a certain period of time? Anyway, Steve is going to come with me so I have his support too. I'm soooo eager to start trying - Steve too. We can't wait to have a little munchkin. We've been picking out names to keep us patient. It helps us to feel like we are still moving towards that point. We've also begun thinking about nursery plans. It's somewhat embarrassing to admit these things, but it does help us during this waiting period. 6 months down and at least 6 months to go!

Surgery update

I was planning on waiting until December for the surgery since I have "free" holidays at work (I work at a university) between Christmas and New Year's, but hearing that my bff is pregnant reminds me even more how much I want to start a family. My husband and I don't want to wait an extra 5-6 months on top of the already 12-18 months I'll have to wait before getting pregnant. I'm going to try to find a way to take the time off before then which won't be easy since I only get 2 weeks off a year for vacation and have already had to take days here and there for weddings, out of town visits, etc. I was sick about 2 months ago and used up practically all of that time too. My boss is super understanding and I was planning on just telling him the truth (we are like a little family), but after my bff's reaction, now I'm nervous about what he's going to say/think.

Tonight is the information seminar with Dr. Marema. I'm nervous that once I meet with him he won't think I'm a candidate for VSG (I have no reason to believe this, it's just me being irrational). So while I'm happy to get the ball rolling, I'm scared this journey won't play out like I thought it would in my head.

Some loose ends

I realized I have mentioned several items on this blog and then forget to follow up! So here are some general updates:

Candy - She is healing nicely. The wounds are looking better and she is wagging her tail again! My mom emailed the local news to inform them about the coyote and then ended up going to their house and taping an interview with my dad. It was on the 11 o'clock news as the top story!

Our kitties - Harley and Dublin are doing very well! They love each other now and only occasionally fight :) Dublin has his neutering and declawing yesterday and we picked him up from the vet today. He is doing well. His little pupils are so dialated from the pain pills (which are a PAIN IN THE ASS to give him!) so his eyes are looking more like Harley's! Harley's eyes are always big - I guess it is because he is generally anxious all the time. Tomorrow (well technically today since it is 1am) we are celebrating Harley's first birthday. The vet estimated a July 4th birthday for him. And Dub's is estimated as March 17th so we have two holiday babies.

The HOLE! - After a weekend of work, my dad and Steve have successfully patched the hole in the ceiling. We now have satellite TV and all is well. lol.

TTC - we definitely aren't preventing, but there is no use in actively trying. My cycles are so screwy and I would rather lose a lot of weight before getting pregnant anyhow. I will have to go on BCP when I get the VSG surgery because it is not safe to get pregnant until at least 12 months post-op (and some surgeons recommend 18). I'm ok with that considering once I get the "ok" to TTC again we will hopefully have better luck since my body will be in a better place. In any case, as least a doctor will be willing to help us. It looks like I'll be 27-28 at the earliest when we have our first baby. Which is great!

Well, they we go. I feel better now that I've given some of these items closure. I've also changed my layout a bit. Added labels and a new background. Now that I'm posting regularly on www.obesityhelp.com and link my sig to my blog, I figured it better look presentable. Haha. I still don't have the courage to share my blog with anyone IRL. Maybe one day.

To conclude on a happy note here is a pic of Dub from today!

9/22/08

I can't always come up with interesting blog titles - so the date it is unless something else should strike my fancy. Today was an ok day. No breakfast, smoothie for lunch, whole wheat pasta and pesto for dinner. I went grocery shopping after work so I'll have breakfast from now on and be able to pack my lunch - saving money is one of our goals right now too.

No wonder I feel tired...losing weight, saving money, and trying to have a baby are all tiring!! Speaking of the latter, Steve told him mom and she is so excited! Of course, she urges us to tell his sister right away before she finds out through the grapevine. Steve tried calling her tonight, but could only leave a voicemail to call him back. I have a gyn appointment next Tuesday. I'm going to meet with her first, then go from there. She has excellent reviews. And she mentions infertility on her website. Considering my previous gyn is the one who diagnosed my PCOS after 4 years of the run-around, I trust that particular profession rather well.

We are having fun dog-sitting. And my mom took baby kitty Harley to the vet and he is a-ok! A worm issue, but that should quickly resolve. Here are some pictures:

Candy - such a good girl!

...and baby kitty Harley!

Well, tomorrow's another day...

Isn't that always my excuse? Today I had a [low fat] chocolate milk from a gas station on the way to my mother's house. I was feeling really light-headed (albiet from not eating all morning) and needed sugar/substance NOW. Then, my mom ordered Quizno's subs for us. So blah. There it is - what is supposed to be my BIG change start! Lowsy....but like I said - tomorrow is another day!

We brought Candy home to watch her while my mom nurses the little kitty they found back to health. They named him Harley and now I'm trying to convince Steve that we should take him - of course, once my mom has had his shots and medical evaluation done. :) So now I get the company of Candy - yay!

I'm listening to Steve talk to his mom right now. He's going to tell her that we are TTC. I'm nervous that she is going to think I talked him into it. Of course, he would not want to try for a baby until he was sure. My mom was so excited when I told her. She said she got an instant stomach ache from anxiety as soon as I told her. Lol. But she is so excited! My dad was too, but he wishes they were in a better place financially. But you never know, it could take us a while and my dad may have a new job by then.

Tomorrow I need to get all my records sent to the new doctor (an RE) and make an appointment! Woohoo!!

BIG changes!

Well, of course deciding that we are ready to welcome a baby into our life is a HUGE change - one we are very excited about! But in order to do that and be happy about it, I need to change my habits. I know I have PCOS and it makes it hard to be healthy (aka look good in a bathing suit - a one piece would suffice), but I can't use that as an excuse. I've signed up with SparkPeople and hopefully that can help me with my goals. One of my short term goals is to write in a journal everyday. So here it is - my first entry.

Today has been a lousy day eating wise - we are making a grocery trip tomorrow. I'm about to do my walking. I bought a walk at home DVD so I don't have to sweat and look like an idiot to my neighbors. Not to mention it's hard to walk outside in Florida.

My parents found an adorable kitten on the side of the road last night. They named him Harley b/c his black on white fur looked like a goatee on his chin. Not to mention, they were kinda hoping Steve and I would take him off their hands and since Steve has wanted a Harley and all....I guess it made sense :) So we went to their house here and checked out the baby kitty and then we got a new Wii game. Tomorrow we are going to my parents main home b/c they are trying to sell it and want us to take anything we want decor wise. Like free shopping! Woohoo! My mother has great taste so I'm excited.

Ok - I'm going to go through this SparkPeople thing and try to figure it out some more and then do my walking.

290 pounds....hard to believe. But I have to start somewhere.

It's official!

We are officially trying to conceive!!! Steve is on board! We are so excited! I need to make a doctor's appointment to check up on my PCOS.

I'll keep things updated here for my records.

WOO HOO!!!

Day by Day

Still no period - I'm sure I'm not pregnant, although I haven't tested since before the last post. Just back to my same ol' fucked up self. Who was I kidding thinking I could actually cycle like a normal woman? So I continue on until we are in a financial situation in which Steve is comfortable to have a baby. Then on to fertility treatments. Of course, I am hoping for a miracle before then.

But as long as there is nothing on the baby horizon, I am very happy just enjoying my marriage. I am so lucky and feel like we are truly giving our marriage a great start. I wish we could do more traveling, but we are very lucky to have what we do have. A wonderful home, loving families, great jobs, and amazing friends. So I'll be happy - day by day.

One facet

Like everybody, there are many different facets to "me". Which is why I hate when The Real World roommates struggle to "find themselves" and lead youth to believe that everyone in their early 20s must do so (while of course maintaining a lifestyle of drinking, fighting, and sleeping around). But I digress...

One facet of me is that I badly want to be a mother. I know, I know...I'm young, my life will be over once I have a baby, Steve and I will never be able to get these years back. Whatever. Nothing anybody can say will deter me from that dream. I live to be a mother - and while I love Steve and try to enjoy every day - I badly want to be a mother (have I said that already?). I feel like I'm just living, waiting for life to pass by until I can bring a child into this world. Steve wants kids too, but he is concerned about our finances. We own our own home, make around $90K a year combined, and have some debt incurred from our honeymoon and furnishing the house. But overall, we are in good shape. He knows that no one (well no one we know) is ever secure enough financially to have a child, so he is open to it. Emotionally, he is ready to be a dad but not yet excited about it. But we decided that I would go off birth control pills and we'd see what happens.

Oh no, no. Don't be fooled. Two months later I am not pregnant. Steve never thinks twice about it and to him we are just "letting God/nature take its course". Whatever happens happens. Not to me. I have PCOS - diagnosed when I was 18. Steve and I had been dating for about one year when I got the diagnosis. We both know we will most likely have fertility problems. But I'm not technically infertile so I've always been told to stay on bcp just in case! I know that sometimes a body takes a while to get back to normal once bcp are stopped. But my "normal" is anovulation and amenorrhea and I've heard that the first few months off bcp are usually the best time for PCOS patients to get pregnant. I was psyched when I got my period last month. Of course I would have rather been pregnant, but after a big fat negative pregnancy test, at least I felt like a woman for the first time in a long time. I actually got a period without being forced too - woohoo! And tomorrow I should be due for my second post-bcp period. So I tested today and sure enough - BFN. And I am crushed. But I can't talk to Steve about this because we aren't supposed to be actively "trying". And we aren't - but I am. And I feel guilty as hell about it. But I just want to be a mom so bad. I even make sure to time sex so that if I did miraculously ovulate on my own I would have a chance at getting pregnant. Deep down, Steve probably knows that I am wishing it would happen. But I'm scared that if I bring it out in the open he'll get nervous and want me back on bcp. Meanwhile, who knows what my ovaries are doing without the bcp & I need to see an endocrinologist. But what if he/she puts me back on the pill? And I don't talk to my mom about it because she is one of those "your life as you know it will never be the same/don't rush" types. I'm not rushing - I've wanted to be a mother forever!!!!!! I'm 24 - she was 23 when she had me. "Oh, but times have changed". Uh huh. But not the basic fundamental longings of a female in childbearing years. Our hormones may be more enhanced by the chicken we eat nowadays, but they still exist, and mine say "babbbbby!!!" So I'll just suffer silently while nobody understands. Ughhhhh....I am so fucked up.